In the Communication Lab I respond to questions and issues based on what I hear from you. Please
send me an email or letter asking questions about my book, Thinking Out Loud essays, or other communication issues. Also, please offer your own thoughts and observations. Although time does not permit my answering every question, I will extract themes from your questions and comments and respond in a manner I hope will be helpful.
Please understand that I cannot give specific professional mental health advice in this forum.
Question: How do you talk with someone about their being so negative without criticizing them? It's hard to be around them, yet I want to help.
Answer: Finding a way to give constructive feedback without criticizing is difficult. If someone expresses a lot of negativity and you are getting bogged down by it, then feedback can easily be perceived as criticism.
It's always best to take stock within yourself. What is hard for you and why? Is there some particular meaning the negativity has to you? Is there someone else in your life who also has this tendency? That's the first step and it's important because it helps you keep similar issues or situations separate.
The second step is to be clear about your intentions. What do you wish to accomplish? Is there a response you would like to have? What would that be and why? This is important because it helps you build a framework for the discussion or it might help you understand why bringing the issue up isn't a good idea.
If you decide it is best to give the feedback, make sure you put yourself in the other person's shoes, trying as best you can to get a sense for what they are going through. This will help you muster empathy.
When you approach the conversation make sure it's a good time to talk and make clear your intentions. For example, "I'd like to talk about something that's been hard for me to bring up. I know you've been going through some difficult things at work and I can see that it's affecting your overall mood. I'm not sure how to be helpful and, frankly, it's hard for me to be helpful because your negativity also brings me down. I try to stay up, but it is getting hard to do. Rather than keep all of this inside, I thought it best for us to talk about it so it doesn't drive a wedge between us."
That's quite a mouthful, I know—and I don't want to make this sound like just the right formula for success. However, I'm stringing together some phrases that are meant to draw you together in a mutual problem solving format. Of course you have to find your own words, but I hope this gives you a place to start.
Question:
After completing the workbook, I seemed clearly to be stronger on the intrapersonal scale than the interpersonal. My wife also strongly favors the intrapersonal. But in our relationship, it almost seems that I'm more interpersonal. This is a little confusing. Do you have any thoughts on this?
Answer:
I'm often asked if it is better for couples to have the same strengths or different strengths. It's important to emphasize that there is no ideal match-up regarding the interpersonal and intrapersonal. There really is no better and worse. It's all in how you handle the sameness or difference. If you both have a strong intrapersonal component, you risk too much silence and distance. So, for one or the other of you to draw more on your interpersonal component is a wise, adaptive response. It also demonstrates how communication styles are directly connected to the relationship.
Question:
How can I figure out my 8 year old daughter's communication style?
Answer:
First, it is best to focus on your own communication style. As parents we want to put our kids first, but getting a handle on your own strengths and challenges will make a big difference in how you approach communication with your child. Remember, when you are aware of your own style, you are generally more patient and don't make assumptions about others. That's always a good beginning.
With kids, it's a good idea to keep it simple and use a multi-sensory approach. In other words, experiment with the auditory, visual-spatial, and kinesthetic. From the auditory perspective, make sure you are close enough and using a tone of voice that is conducive to making a good connection. From the visual perspective, is making eye contact helpful or is it too intense for your child? From the kinesthetic perspective, does it help to have physical contact (hand on the shoulder or sitting next to and touching) to open the communication channel?
By experimenting with these approaches, noting your observations and making adjustments to your communication approach you'll likely get some insight into your child's communication style. Also, in my book there are specific suggestions about different ways of asking questions from the different communication component perspectives. Trying out different ways of asking questions can also give clues to your child's communication style.
Finally, because kids are still growing and developing it is important for us to be careful applying any categorical labels. For example, a younger child might use words very well, but as she gets older other strengths may emerge and become primary communication components.
Question:
I've tried to get my husband to read your book, but he's just not a reader. Is there some other way to help him understand the communication styles approach?
Answer:
At the risk of sounding like a broken record, first make sure you are doing what you can to work with your own communication component strengths and challenges. Often this effects the relationship in a positive way. Once you are modeling positive communication behaviors others will notice both consciously and unconsciously. Perhaps, then your husband will comment on the changes or ask questions that will allow you to discuss what and why you doing what you're doing.
Also, if he shows some interest but isn't interested in reading the book, copy the Communication Styles Inventory from the website under the About the book tab and share it with him. It offers a concise summary and is a straightforward activity that might get him involved and interested. It can provide a springboard to other activities in the workbook. And if he identifies a particular strength, just reading that chapter will likely be helpful. As you know the chapters are fairly short and offer straightforward descriptions of the components.
It's always complicated when you find something interesting and helpful and want to share it with your partner. It's encouraging when something resonates equally. However, we all have different paths to our growth and development, and it isn't necessary that we have parallel experiences to achieve harmony.
Question:
I like the stories in your book, but I'm having a hard time identifying my top three strengths. It seems like I'm a little bit of everything, but nothing is outstanding. Am I missing something?
Answer:
I doubt you're missing anything at all, and you're not alone in your response. I've had several similar inquiries from readers. Remember the communication components are fluid and overlapping. When I was writing the book I had a difficult time trying to write about each component as a discreet entity. When writing about a particular vignette for example, I would find myself saying, "Is this purely visual-spatial or does it also include a kinesthetic element?"
You may be someone for whom the different components are more equally balanced, so identifying the top three components isn't important. If we looked at your bar graph in the workbook, each bar would be close in size to the others. Although this is not typical, it is not unusual either — and it can be a real strength, giving you a lot of flexibility in your communication with others.
